(And NOT thoughts about this crisis. Too much of that. Or thoughts adjacent to the crises. Only thoughts influenced and inspired during the crisis. But not thoughts about the crisis.)
a “get outside while social distancing” trip to Indiana.
featuring mediocre photos, they really aren’t my best.
#anote2self | day 4
The heart is resilient and forgiving. It is the mind that causes us stress. Find peace in what you cannot change. - Alex Elle
the first person. woman. black.
i lied. this is about the coronavirus.
the first person in Chicago to die from the coronavirus was a black woman. Her name was Patricia Frieson, she was 61-years old, and in addition to being a retired nurse, she loved singing. (Amongst the many things I’m leaving out about her life, because I did not know her. But I too, love singing.) A week after her passing, her sister too passed away due to COVID-related illnesses.
By turning to organizing + my work as a remedy, it has prevented me from relaxing into the angryness that I’m now able to tap into, writing this. As of now, nearly 70% of COVID-19 related deaths in Chicago are black residents. SEVENTY PERCENT. In a city whose black population hovers around 29%.
I’ve been struggling, lately, with my desire to fight for long-term, structural change in the midst of a global pandemic that makes it incredibly tough for some to meet their most basic needs. I feel like I am not doing enough to help people in this moment.
And while I still wrestle with the guilt that creeps its way into my psyche as a result of not doing more in the moment, I am now able to, at least, justify how I spend my day to day, focused on organizing young people to win a Green New Deal.
And I feel grounded and rooted that the sort of change that we, young people (alongside a broader coalition of organizers + activists), are fighting for, could be the structural antidote, the panacea, (okay… maybe the start to the unraveling) to the virus (of settler colonialism, of capitalism, of white supremacy, anti-black racism) that is the reason so many black and brown people in a city like Chicago are dying.
climate and environmental justice are central to black liberation
.
my memoir
if i were to ever write a memoir. I have already decided that I’m making myself out to be the villain. How many books. That people write about themselves, actually unearth the deep, dark, sublime (but like, gloriousness and magnificence in the antithesis of what we typically think as beautiful and neat; the hell to heaven) of what it means to be human? In essence, a shitty creature just struggling to maximize one’s own survival, sense of self, and pleasure, while also mitigating (though not completely abating) the damage done to other people?
I've noticed, in the shows I’m watching (because I’m watching a lot more tv than I ever have), how unlikable some of these characters are. Like just how self-centered, how toxic, how selfish, and how truly disgusting they are. And as I reflect more on it, I’m actually starting to love it. That we don’t need to find a hero, a good person, or stability, in everything and anyone, because when are we ever fully any of these things?
so look out for my wreck of a memoir.
INSECURE IS BACK.
it’s only been a gazillion years.
Bernie is my hero.
I didn’t expect to find a hero in a 78-year-old white man. But I did. And I’m still crying, a deep, ugly, interminable flood of sorrow because I’ll never get the full gratification of seeing my hero defeat the master hand. And make it easier for us to unlock freedom and liberation for the masses. (Truly, the Democratic establishment is the Master Hand. God, I tried so many things to beat that thing and never won. Also… symbolic, so metaphorical.)
I won’t make this too long, because I’m really still processing what this means. But I have two thoughts, one of which has already been stated. So I’m going to overstate it, and drill it into the minds of the masses. (lol like the 2 people reading this.)
Bernie prepared us for this moment, all along. #NotMeUs. Bernie and movements existed in an intricate tango, and though unraveled, will still each advance forward with as much passion and vigor as before.
Second. I keep asking myself, what can I take away from this? To continue in Bernie Sanders legacy, I will continue to ask myself… am I living up to the standards, ideals, and values of Mr. Sanders?
Let me pause for a second, also, and say. (Or maybe justify my idealization of this man, especially when great black and brown leaders precede his time.) Bernie Sanders is one of the most radical political figures of my time. Independent of the Democratic political establishment. A democratic socialist. Who ran a campaign run entirely on grassroots fundraising, no corporate PAC money. In this era, this man is special.
So. I will continue to ask myself… am I living up to the standards, ideals, and values of Mr. Sanders? How unwavering and consistent he is in his values and what he believes is right. How vocal he is, calling out the corporate elite for their stronghold on American politics. How unshaken he was on the Senate floor, shaming Republicans for prioritizing corporate bailouts over buttressing support for working-class people. His commitment to continuing the health insurance of his staff until November are emblems of the size of this man's heart… the care he has for other human (like he says it, UMAN) beings.
As he so often said. “Are you willing to fight for a person you don't know as much as you're willing to fight for yourself?” I hope this sentiment threads the eternity of my service to humankind. Bernie Sanders is my hero; and though his campaign has ended, my deep love for what he has incited within my generation, and this country, will never and could never end.
sigh.
new (zoom) crushes to get over old crushes. fun.fun.fun.
shows.
High Fidelity (show)
Little Fires Everywhere (book + show)
books. (worth noting)
have read: Utopia for Realists, Where the Crawdad Sings, Women Writing Resistance: Essays on Latin America and the Caribbean
reading: The World According to Fannie Davis
will read: Where Do We Go From Here (MLK), Exhalation, Unapologetic, Citizen Illegal
grounded.
sometimes.
when I get lost in fantasy or idealizing. I remember what real love feels like. and
that brings me back to myself.
Great people.
Thinking a lot about the saying. Surround yourself with great people. (Really, because I feel just so much incredible love, support, joy, and inspiration from the people closest to me.) And really reflecting on that.
As both a reflection of who we choose to surround ourselves with. (Sorting and self-selecting people at whim.) But also who we choose to invest in, support, develop, love and grow around us.
oh, and how are you doing?
was saying in check-ins during the beginning of this all, that I felt like I was being dragged towards the edge of a volcano. And all I could really do, while being dragged, was enjoy the moment, because who knew what was on the other side?
so.
i’m doing good.
closing.
a lot of the times, when typing all of this, I’m thinking, wtf are you doing?! what. are. you. doing. WHY?
I’m not artist. I can’t paint, I can’t draw, I can’t sing, I have no talents really. But I do have a deep desire and urge to express myself. And find ways to be creative, in spite of the lack outlets God has given me to do so.
and so I write, and mess with words, and fail, and play more with sentences and thoughts that come to me at night, in the shower, while reading, etc. etc.
and I get a lot of joy and release from that. from this. and so.
Nostalgia is a bitch.
pics to prove it.
swipe right.
